season ... reason ... lifetime

Letting go, to me, has always been difficult. I find it hard to let go of memories, of personal things, of failing relationships, of friendships… but perhaps there comes a time in our lives when we need to stop expecting problems to dissipate or habits to change and just accept that a relationship or friendship is no longer working.

I have been stuck twice in that situation and both times I have hung on stubbornly; believing that time, faith and love with make everything better. Waking up full of hope and going to sleep in disappointment was a regular affair. Despite all the heartache, the bewilderment and the disappointment, I hung on. And on. And on. But then there is always one day, when we least expect it, we know in our hearts we have ran the race and have reached the end. It is they day I am 101% sure I am indifferent and going to stay that way. It is the day I ask myself over and over again to do something but cannot seem to bring myself to do anything because I have lost that spark of hope. It is the day I tell myself “enough”. It is the day I am so exhausted I am numb to pain. It is the day I and so frustrated I can’t even talk to myself about it.

It is the day I choose to put the past behind me.

Sure – at times I still look at that two incidents in my life and allow the quick “what ifs” to pass through my mind but I know this was just part of the emotional rollercoaster ride. I know if I stuck to it, I will be ok in minutes, in hours, perhaps a day. But point is, I will be ok. I am ok.

Someone sent this (see below) to me 2 months ago. Someone I have grown to care for a lot. It’s ironic that I now have to use the very same email to try figure out how the person fits in to my life….was that person a reason … a season … or a lifetime? I’m confused.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

not again...

I'm itching to do something again. The first time I felt like that I pierced my belly. Second time I felt like that I re-pierced my belly. Third time I felt like that I got a tattoo. It's that I-think-I-need-some-pain kind of itch.

So how? Pierce my belly the third time?? Crazy.....and I dug up some old pics just to see it again and man, it does look painful.

see the first piercing I did?

I'll try to sleep on this and hopefully this crazy feeling does not linger till tomorrow...

when will I ever learn?

Whenever I look back at the events that have unfolded in my life for the last 3 years I sometimes wonder how I went through everything. I often wonder how I went through those days . . . and how I painstakingly survived a day at a time and came out in one piece.

They say experience makes a person stronger and wiser but I’m not quite sure why I have not at the very least nearly got there? Have I not been taught enough? Or have I not been given enough life changing lessons? But truth to be told – for a long time now I have this nagging fear that the problem lies in me not learning from my mistakes.

I experience but I don’t apply.

I know but I ignore.

I feel but I deny.

I learn but I forget.

Can someone please just smack me on the head?!

rant rant

OMG I really need a holiday. Like a REAL holiday. No emails, no phones, no nothing. I'm feeling so totally burnt out it's not funny.

I'm perpetually sleepy and tired and exhausted no matter how much I sleep. Hmmm or am I sleepy and tired and exhausted from suddenly sleeping too much?? Ah whatever - a short break is in order and I need to rejuvenate myself before .... before .... ermm ... before I go spiralling down in exhaustion I guess?

I'm going through a funny phase right now. Have you ever been in a situation where you know what you need to do but it kills you to do it? Well I'm doing that now, flushing all the toxic people and toxic everything out of my life so I can live happily ever after!!

Toxic people are the ones I classify as the people in your life who makes you feel bad about yourself, people who brings about so much negativity or negative feelings into your life, people who have the ability to mess up the unhappy feelings, I guess. I know to a certain extent there should be self control and one can argue that you only feel what you allow others to make you feel. I'm a strong believer in that too but if you can identify the ones who can conjure up these negative feelings, isn't it a proactive thing to do by cutting them out from your lives? Or at least, minimise the paths crossed?

It's funny how we can be so hugely affected by people who make us feel bad and yet there are those comes into our lives and tries so hard to make us smile and to make us happy....we either take them for granted or we do not notice them at all. I have started to notice these 2 groups of people in my life.....

And if I can choose how I want to live my life and how I want to feel about my life then....out with the negative, in with the positive...by choice.