HAPPY BIRTHDAY BUTTERCUPTJIN!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TJIN!!!

Since BubbleKris is temporarily MIA, I shall do the honour of the public announcement. Girl, you’re officially like 28 YEARS young like the rest of us!!! Anyway I shall write for both me and BubbleKris because I am sure she will say the same to you. :-)

Woman, good times, bad times, happy times, sad times, funny times….we’ve been in each other’s lives for soooooooo long. The wrong haircuts, weird outfits, wrong boyfriends, weird boyfriends, right boyfriends….the parties, the gossip sessions, the sister get togethers, the skipping classes, the cooking sessions…we’ve been through quite a bit haven’t we?

I don’t know how I would have pull through all these years without you and BubbleKris; the both of you have been such a steady, constant pillar of strength for me and all I can say is I must have really done something soooo right in my past life to deserve the BOTH of you in my life.

Thank you for being the annual photographer for all my birthday parties. Thank you for being there through my puking sessions on my birthday EVERY year. Thank you (not) for taking photos of me peeing in the toilet. Thank you for coming up with the Spaghetti ala TjinMich recipe with me. Thank you for being the best co-chef for the world’s best nasi goreng sambal belacan letup with me. Thank you for being there when I was sobbing my eyes out. Thank you for being supportive when I’m happy and when I needed it. Thank you for laughing with me all these years and for being there with me to find the humour in life. Thank you for just being you and for being my sister / my “lookalike”.

I’m not going to write much, I could go on and on about how I feel about the both of you and our friendship / sisterhood but I think you already know. So here’s a series of 0.0005% of the photos we have taken over the years.

Anyway Happy Birthday again woman, you truly deserve all the happiness in the world.

taken in 2001 at Northbridge, Perth

in 2006 @ eccentric opening

hehe...one of our many random tipsy photos

we just loooove the camera don't we

honestly one of the BEST outings we had, @ souled out, hartamas

partners in crime....organisers for Kristy's "sorry we're too busy to do anything this year" surprise party

we even make toilet rolls look fashionable haha... @ kristy's hen nite

getting ready for kristy's big day

@ kristy's wedding dinner

BabyRenee's godmas...

2005 @ finnegans, hartamas

the legendary souled out photo

in 2006, tsb, bangsar

with part of kristy's indecent cake

the bond.....and the epitome of what friendships should be

We love you woman!

updates...updates...

WOW.

You guys actually drop by to read my blog?? OMG….like…WOW. Been meaning to update the blog but I thought since I’m the only one reading it I can just keep it all in my head until I have the mood to put it in writing..hehe

Anyway as always when something doesn’t happen, there are the customary excuses. So here goes: I was in Seoul for a week, and then Tokyo for a week and then Singapore for nearly a week….travelling is very time consuming ok! Not to mention when I have so many events back to back it takes up shitloads of time preparing for it and then when I get back I just want to unwind and be…like…braindead and stupid. So that’s why lor..

Anyway, after all the scares she gave us throughout these 9 months, Renée Elisabeth Lim has finally made her grand entrance on the 22nd August 2008. The little drama princess is just so… beautiful. She looks so tiny, so perfect and so innocent. Just the other day I was looking at her and touching her little toes I felt so overwhelmed. It’s amazing that she is the same baby in BubbleKris’ tummy kicking away….the same baby that BubbleKris was carrying in her tummy for a good 9 months. In all honesty I am just so relieved and happy both mother and daughter are well and healthy and are doing so well. I’ve known BubbleKris for so many years and I have never seen that maternal side of her so seeing her cuddling a sleeping Babyrenée in her arms and seeing the look on her face….priceless. It will be very interesting seeing her grow up and I hope no matter what happens ButtercupTjin and I will be there to see all her stages of growth….and hopefully, in a anyway at all, play a part in enriching her life as her GodMa’s!!

Moving on to something else, I was just thinking the other day how I always look forward to a new year because I always hope to be able to leave the past behind and start fresh and look forward to everything new and different. Funny thing is I realized I constantly consoled myself that I have been through so much this year that nothing else can be worse so I have learnt my lessons and am ready to conquer the new year. But things don’t always happen that way does it? Life always have a funny way to manifest new experiences – be it good, bad, unexpected, disappointing, exhilarating etc etc. When we think we are experiencing the happiest moment, there will be something else that crops up that will possibly give us even greater happiness. When we think we are experiencing the lowest and most depressing moment, there will always be something else that crops up that will throw us back to that state again. So I’m just wondering…

Did our lives seem easier to handle when we were younger because there was less in our “life archive” and the reason why our experiences and feelings seem magnified as we grow older is because we have so much more history to dig up from our “archive”? Maybe we “move on” with things in our lives but we never really forget and each time life brings us back to the same or similar crossroad we dig up our same or similar past experience to help us through the one we are facing.

I’m really beginning to think the reason why I have been in and out of my frustration the last 2-3 years is because I keep making the same choices at similar crossroads. I keep ending up at a dead end – and I get totally disappointed in MYSELF for making the “same” mistake again. I consider myself as someone who possesses enough intelligence when it comes to studies and work but honestly there’s so much more I need to learn about life, despite going through more challenges in the last few years than most would at my age.

I did a lot of thinking this weekend and I have a hunch I am at the same crossroad. I am truly blessed because although I have messed up so many times, I feel like I am somehow always given a second, and a third, and a fourth chance to try and make the right decision and to try to do things a bit differently …. and hopefully, right.

If it’s true that people get a certain ‘calling’ or ‘signal’ for something new or a change in their life, I “think” I got mine this weekend. I am not 100% sure but that feeling of calmness and that “knowing” feeling is just something that was so unexpected and almost, just almost - forgotten. I think I need to give it some more time to confirm if this ‘gut feeling’ is for real.

I can’t wait to see how it unfolds…

it's that time again...

I think my body is finally responding to everything that has happened the last 2 months. I feel like I have been functioning on adrenaline for some time and now my body is telling me to slow down....take a deep breathe....

I have this cold that I can't seem to shake off since I got back from Seoul. I have a fever that comes and goes, sometimes pretty mild, sometimes pretty high. I have been having difficulty sleeping, despite my body and mind being so exhausted. It's like I went on overdrive and I forgot how to get back to neutral.

I "think" I need a break.

babyrenée's baby shower

ButtercupTjin and I threw BubbleKris and Babyrenée a baby shower on Saturday….just a small get together for close friends and BubbleKris’s family. A baby shower is a baby shower lah – of course it was all nice and sweet and happy. Can’t wait for Babyrenée s birth….she’s soooooooo going to be spoilt rotten by all of us :-) By the way, for those who don’t know yet ButtercupTjin and I are the appointed Godmummies to Babyrenée!! How exciting is that!

And since we’re talking about Babyrenée can I just express how happy I am (and I think I speak for MANY) that BubbleKris is the one naming her and not Bubble’sFattyHubby? He came up with some pretty er…… ‘unconventional’ names initially which none of us thought was socially acceptable. It’s so unacceptable we roll our eyes each time it’s mentioned and all of us as if by instinct give him this look: “-_-“

BubbleKris, have I told you, you are absolutely glowing and you are one hot mama!! I might be biased because I love you to bits but really you are!!

Anyway some photos!!

cutesy baby cupcakes baked by Naddy!

baby socks individually wrapped

hehe trained from young...

cool baby bibs

she'll wear this when ButtercupTjin and I are not around of course..

see how the papa is controlling his happiness after seeing all things pink

Bubble'sFattyHubby reacting to more pink stuff... (p/s she's so not going to be a biker chick ok!! You forget who her mum and her godmas are kah?)

adorable idol

here, the closest pic we can get of Babyrenée :-)

RIP sparkle baby

I dreaded coming home today. I cried all the way home as I was driving ..... I came home to an urn with Sparkle's ashes. It came in a little basket, the urn in the middle with fresh flowers surrounding the urn and a photo frame meant for his photo. He was cremated yesterday at a pet crematorium.

I held on to Scruffy as I cried. I know she misses him too...it's going to be so different without him.

I felt a tremendous wave of guilt today when I saw his urn. I thought about all the things I could have done better for him. I could have taken him for more walks. I could have taken him to a few more doctors to try see if they could have cured him. I could have spent a little more time with him the last weekend instead of being so stressed about work. I could have talked to him. I could have spent some time scratching his ears. I could have bought him more toys. So many things I wished I could do now, but will never have the chance again.

I will never hear him bark again, never hear him belch, never see him jumping for food, never see him trying to peek in through the windows, never bathe him again, never feed him again......

He's gone. He's left, all that we have now is a little tiny urn and lots of memories.

I miss you Sparkle baby....I really hope you're happy and not suffering anymore. We love you.

goodbye sparkle boy

Sparkle in his e-collar & the doggie straw hat I bought from Tokyo

Sparkle passed away this morning, when exactly we’re not sure as he was already lying lifeless this morning at around 6ish. I have mixed feelings about his death – we’re partly relieved as he has been battling with acute demodex mange and the on and off malassezia for a long long time now.

He was brought to live with us in May 2003 by an uncle whose dog had a litter of 4 puppies because I was still devastated at that time after having lost my first dog Richie - so he thought bringing a new puppy to me was going to help fill that void.

If you have had pets before you would know what I mean when I say they are different in their individual ways….nobody could ever replace Richie, and neither any other dog can replace Sparkle. But he did bring life to the house again. In a lot of ways Sparkle helped me with my pain of losing Richie. I was totally devoted towards bottle feeding him (he was still VERY young at that time) to potty training him to taking him to the vet for his shots to bathing him to brushing his teeth to plucking his ear hair….everything!

When he was nearly one we discovered he was born with an extremely weak immune system and he started getting small patches of demodex mange every few months. It was heart breaking for us and was stressful for him but he basically spent most of his life on ivermectin jabs, tablets, antibiotics and even a couple of times we had to let him take the Mitaban dip. His condition improved and worsened and that became a cycle we got used to for the past 5 years. I’ve read countless holistic healing books for dogs and I tried everything – natural herbs, putting him on a diet of BARF (Bone and Raw Food), homeopathy, aromatherapy, lemon baths, apple cider vinegar, salmon oils……

He survived 5 years. He did his best just as we did our best.

I will miss seeing him sleep beside the door and lazily walk away when we want to walk pass. I will miss seeing him do his tricks (ironically his best trick is playing dead. I will hold up my fingers as if it’s a gun, point to him and say “Bang”…and he will flop down with his tongue hanging out….not moving until I snap my fingers and give him his treat………..and he second best trick is probably lying down and rolling over). I will miss seeing him gobble his food every day like he hasn’t been fed for months. I will miss seeing him run in his funny way. I will miss seeing that guilty look on his face when he knows he has done something wrong and we ask “who did this?” I will miss seeing his eyes close slowly and lazily when I scratch him behind his ears. I will miss seeing him lie on his back with his four paws in the air wanting to be scratched on this belly. I will miss seeing him jump excitedly when we say “walk walk” or “sit car”. I will miss seeing him sit right in the middle of the backseat and blinking his eyes as the A/C blows directly to his face.

My other dog, Scruffy, looked really depressed this morning. It’s as if she understands what’s happening. She will be pretty lonely as she grew up with Sparkle since she was given to us as a puppy in 2004.

However looking at the bright side, Sparkle is no longer suffering. I hope he is in a better place now. I hope doggy heaven exists.

We will miss you Sparkle boy. We love you.

Sparkle with his first Kong toy

With Sparkle boy on his first doggie outing

music & lyrics

An excerpt of a conversation from "Music & Lyrics" starring Hugh Grant & Drew Barrymore...

Sophie Fisher: A melody is like seeing someone for the first time. The physical attraction. Sex.

Alex Fletcher: I so get that.

Sophie Fisher: But then, as you get to know the person, that's the lyrics. Their story. Who they are underneath. It's the combination of the two that makes it magic.

How many of us actually make it past the melody and reach the lyrics and ultimately try relating to the song?

Have a thought about it....I know I have been pondering about this the whole morning.

grrrrrrrrrr

Lately I notice I am very quickly affected and rather badly affected by one particular person. What shocks me is that she means nothing to me and is just someone I have to deal with. But she repeatedly pushes my buttons and as if she knows exactly what buttons to push, she seems to be having a field time pushing them again and again.

Each time I deal with her my blood really boils, and I can feel myself going out of control.

Earlier she wrote me an email which absolutely drove me mad and I have to re-read the email over and over and over again and I went downstairs to watch Channel E for a good 1 hour to calm myself down before I could reply to her.

She’s nobody. Why should I be so affected?

I know for the past year I have tried my best to be patient because I keep telling myself she’s new and terribly young but it seems that her attitude problem is just getting worse. What’s more I’m getting more complaints from all other departments about her and as I’m leading the team I have to justify her behaviour and her attitude to them even though I know the way she talks can really piss people off. I have no choice because I need to try maintaining the relationship between these groups of people to continue to have a mutually acceptable working environment.

Maybe I’m actually angry at the fact that I have all these unnecessary things to deal with that I wouldn’t have to deal with if she had more decency to talk nicer to everyone else. Then they won’t come to me complaining. Maybe I have developed a resistance to everything she has stirred up simply because she cannot talk to people nicely. Whatever lah. Director or not, I’m human too and my human side is saying “Fuck it – go learn some bloody manners and stop giving me grief”.

I have said that I need to get rid of toxic people. What happens if you HAVE to work with them? I would like to avoid talking to her or have anything to do with her but how can I do that if I HAVE to deal with her?

I just feel like I need to find a way to deal with this because face it – people aren’t gonna change. And my way of dealing with it is to take deep breaths before talking to her and be totally indifferent when talking to her and avoid talking to her at all costs.

That aside, I noticed that with what has happened recently I am a lot more edgy and am more easily affected. I really need to start finding a way to release all this pent up frustration……..

thank you....

Due to the drama the last week, I have had no mood whatsoever to even think about my birthday this year. If news were bad there would simply be no celebration at all. But lucky me, things turned out ok....at abt 11am or so I had the good news.

I couldn't control my emotions and burst out crying. Happy tears of course. I know this sounds a tad bit dramatic but I felt like I was given a second chance. I felt like that was a warning to me that something in my life needed to change and most importantly it was like a wake up call for me to value what I always took for granted, even if I subconsciously took it for granted. Shouldn't be dwelling on bad news, what's most important is things are ok and I intend to keep it that way.

Anyway, ended up in LaBodega the usual watering hole for a couple of pre dinner drinks and was supposed to go for a "Brother's dinner", just me and the 2 uncles....but ended up drinking crazy amount of different shots and cocktails with quite a few of them from work and by 10pm we gave up and had tapas and paella there instead. I was massively tipsy but definitely not anywhere close to the drunken states I was in the last errmm....5-8 years??? So, I see that as a sign of improvement (or maturity) hehe...

I also wanna thank all my friends and family for sending me the Facebook msgs, emails and SMSs.....I love you all!! I really do!!! Thank you thank you thank you!!! I'm still feeling all warm and fuzzy from yesterday!!

My birthday cake!!

This was on LaBodega's board (they change it everyday)....I sent it to someone....I hope the message is understood

Okay, BubbleKris... I just read your blog (hehe girl, I've decided to use the names you use for us on your blog....but betcha never heard one for you, huh??)...and your post made me cry!! Anyway I just want to say I love you too girl!! I'm still sniffling!!! Can't wait for ButtercupTjin to get her ass back so we can finally have a get-together! Xx

a chance...

I have been in a rather morbid mood today since "the" call. I have had a few surprise calls in my lifetime and most of the time they are surprising but in a good way. Like the time Projet called and told me I won a trip to Penang....ok la it's not Paris or anything but still the flight and suite were taken care off okay...and that was my first time winning something so it was nice okay...all for just buying their Petrol and filling up a silly contest form.

Anyway I digress...

I sometimes wonder where my grandparents have gone to. The Chinese believe that the people who have departed gets reincarnated after a certain time (I can't tell you the time because there is no manuals for these kind of things, sorry)...apparently who you are reincarnated to depends on your karma in the past life. I always like to think that if you do bad this lifetime you might get reincarnated as a cockroach or lizard or something. I mean, who would want to end up being a cockroach and possibly die from Shelltox overdose or some smelly slippers??! Who would want to live in dirty, smelly, dark places and feed on disgusting stuff?? It's a damn sad life okay!! So anyway, because I want to be reincarnated as a human being again (and I have had this belief since I was wayyyyy younger).....I have to be good in this lifetime.

I know I'm not perfect - I have my moods, my temper and sometimes I can be a total bitch. But deep down inside I know I don't have a bad heart. Despite all my shortcomings, I have tried to be good, to do good things.....to make others happy. So if this ancient theory and my childhood belief was right, I must have been borderline good in my past life but I must have done something pretty bad too, to have to face the repercussions in this lifetime.

I turn 28 on Friday. Yes, only 28. It's a bit too early for payback, isn't it? I know I shouldn't think myself silly but I can't help it.

Whatever I've done wrong, please forgive me. Give me a chance.....I've only just started my journey.

if

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master,
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

Rudyard Kipling (1865-1936)

season ... reason ... lifetime

Letting go, to me, has always been difficult. I find it hard to let go of memories, of personal things, of failing relationships, of friendships… but perhaps there comes a time in our lives when we need to stop expecting problems to dissipate or habits to change and just accept that a relationship or friendship is no longer working.

I have been stuck twice in that situation and both times I have hung on stubbornly; believing that time, faith and love with make everything better. Waking up full of hope and going to sleep in disappointment was a regular affair. Despite all the heartache, the bewilderment and the disappointment, I hung on. And on. And on. But then there is always one day, when we least expect it, we know in our hearts we have ran the race and have reached the end. It is they day I am 101% sure I am indifferent and going to stay that way. It is the day I ask myself over and over again to do something but cannot seem to bring myself to do anything because I have lost that spark of hope. It is the day I tell myself “enough”. It is the day I am so exhausted I am numb to pain. It is the day I and so frustrated I can’t even talk to myself about it.

It is the day I choose to put the past behind me.

Sure – at times I still look at that two incidents in my life and allow the quick “what ifs” to pass through my mind but I know this was just part of the emotional rollercoaster ride. I know if I stuck to it, I will be ok in minutes, in hours, perhaps a day. But point is, I will be ok. I am ok.

Someone sent this (see below) to me 2 months ago. Someone I have grown to care for a lot. It’s ironic that I now have to use the very same email to try figure out how the person fits in to my life….was that person a reason … a season … or a lifetime? I’m confused.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

not again...

I'm itching to do something again. The first time I felt like that I pierced my belly. Second time I felt like that I re-pierced my belly. Third time I felt like that I got a tattoo. It's that I-think-I-need-some-pain kind of itch.

So how? Pierce my belly the third time?? Crazy.....and I dug up some old pics just to see it again and man, it does look painful.

see the first piercing I did?

I'll try to sleep on this and hopefully this crazy feeling does not linger till tomorrow...

when will I ever learn?

Whenever I look back at the events that have unfolded in my life for the last 3 years I sometimes wonder how I went through everything. I often wonder how I went through those days . . . and how I painstakingly survived a day at a time and came out in one piece.

They say experience makes a person stronger and wiser but I’m not quite sure why I have not at the very least nearly got there? Have I not been taught enough? Or have I not been given enough life changing lessons? But truth to be told – for a long time now I have this nagging fear that the problem lies in me not learning from my mistakes.

I experience but I don’t apply.

I know but I ignore.

I feel but I deny.

I learn but I forget.

Can someone please just smack me on the head?!

rant rant

OMG I really need a holiday. Like a REAL holiday. No emails, no phones, no nothing. I'm feeling so totally burnt out it's not funny.

I'm perpetually sleepy and tired and exhausted no matter how much I sleep. Hmmm or am I sleepy and tired and exhausted from suddenly sleeping too much?? Ah whatever - a short break is in order and I need to rejuvenate myself before .... before .... ermm ... before I go spiralling down in exhaustion I guess?

I'm going through a funny phase right now. Have you ever been in a situation where you know what you need to do but it kills you to do it? Well I'm doing that now, flushing all the toxic people and toxic everything out of my life so I can live happily ever after!!

Toxic people are the ones I classify as the people in your life who makes you feel bad about yourself, people who brings about so much negativity or negative feelings into your life, people who have the ability to mess up the unhappy feelings, I guess. I know to a certain extent there should be self control and one can argue that you only feel what you allow others to make you feel. I'm a strong believer in that too but if you can identify the ones who can conjure up these negative feelings, isn't it a proactive thing to do by cutting them out from your lives? Or at least, minimise the paths crossed?

It's funny how we can be so hugely affected by people who make us feel bad and yet there are those comes into our lives and tries so hard to make us smile and to make us happy....we either take them for granted or we do not notice them at all. I have started to notice these 2 groups of people in my life.....

And if I can choose how I want to live my life and how I want to feel about my life then....out with the negative, in with the positive...by choice.

*yawn*

I had two pretty intense conversations last night and I woke up today with such a heavy head and no matter how hard I have been trying all morning, I can’t seem to shake off the melancholia. Dammit – get outta my head!!

I am so so so sleepy today. Still feeling the copious amount of margaritas and Heinekens from last nite….

you lucky, lucky girl, you

I honestly never thought anyone would read this blog. I’m shit at updating and most of the things I write about are not amusing or thought provoking or funny or controversial ….. this is just a ranting ground for me really.

It got me thinking today when someone asked me if I was really as depressed as I sound. My last post was written in a very random emo moment and was a reflection of something that was on my mind at that time. But at that moment only.

So I thought maybe I should write about some more positive things in my life so *just in case* some people accidentally end up reading my blog they wouldn’t think I’m at the brink of killing myself.

So…the positive things in my life…

I have the most wonderful parents in the whole world. This is not meant to sound cheesy or anything but it is true. My mum’s my bestest friend in the whole world and I’m close enough to my dad to talk about things daughters would normally cringe to discuss with their dads. My parents brought me and my brother up in a very balanced way I’d like to think – we’re both very grounded culturally but we have also always been encouraged to speak up and to follow our hearts. I have made some really stupid decisions in the past 3 or 4 years (some of them decisions that most parents will never agree to) but being my parents, they stuck to me through all my decisions and silliness and never once said “I told you so”. They are the loves of my life for sure. Lucky me.

I might not have many friends I hang out with all the time but I am blessed with the friendship of my two closest and most trusted friends. I have known these 2 girls since 1998 and our friendship has remained strong until today and there are no 2 other people in the world other than my own family that I know will be with me through anything and at anytime. Some people are lucky enough to have met one friend like that in a lifetime but I have two and for that I’m sure I have done something right somehow for it is definitely my good karma that I’m blessed with not one but two of this very unique friendship in this lifetime. They are family to me now….in every way.

I also have a small group of friends from different phases of my life that have made a mark in my life and in each of their own special ways have a very special place in my heart. These are the people I can lose contact with for months or years – but when we meet we are able to pick up from where we left with no effort at all.

I have a job now which I love. Yes I do love what I do. I might complain and moan about the other things that come with the job but then again no job is perfect and I must say my job has given me quite a lot of personal satisfaction throughout the years. I still wished some of the things were different though but I guess we can’t always have it all right? But point is I have a job, it has given me an opportunity to grow and while the monetary side of it is honestly nothing to really shout about, it has made a difference in my lifestyle….especially when I compare it to the lifestyle I grew up with. Best thing is I am now able to slightly (just very slightly) be able to pamper my parents a little every now and then.

What else….I guess I’ve been pretty lucky too, to have a bit of an opportunity to travel at my age? I know many have traveled a lot more than I did, but hey, my family was never rich enough to enable us to travel overseas as I was growing up. There was a time (probably right before I started this job) that getting on an airplane itself was a treat / luxury….how times have changed. I’m now officially allergic to cabin food and the smell of airplanes….and dread waiting at airports….dread flight delays….dread the queue at immigration….dread lugging my laptop and bag….dread having to pull my heavy bag off the conveyor belt….dread room service. But all that aside, I’m still a lucky girl I guess to have had the experience of traveling for work. Have to think positive right – that’s the whole idea of this post right??!!! Hehe

Hmmm….I guess the one part of my life that has given me the most headache and grief is the relationships part. I have been through some really rough time over the last couple of years but I can honestly say I’ve met some very interesting people who have made some positive impact and changes to my life (if I stop thinking of the negative!!). I guess I haven’t been successful or lucky enough to meet the right person….perhaps in most circumstances the timing was not right….who knows. But looking at the brighter side of things again, I’m thankful for being able to love, thankful for not giving up on love and thankful that I have met these people who have made an impact in my life. True that it has made me somewhat cynical - perhaps even a little bit jaded at times… but I am definitely stronger emotionally today than I have ever been. I guess not all bad experiences are negative even if they hurt a lot. I guess SOME good will always turn out from something painful. It’s true that it’s easier to learn and grow over hurt and disappointment. And I still hold very dearly to the belief that things will eventually turn out ok. It always does.

I am nowhere near perfect I know but I am lucky I turned out to be who I am and to be where I am and to have all the wonderful people in my life. So really, it’s not all that bad being me!!

Oh while we are at talking about all the positive stuff in my life, I had expected nothing this Valentines….afterall the last 3 Valentines for me have all been uneventful. But this year, someone sent me some roses and chocolates!! The sender has obviously chosen to be anonymous, for what reasons I’m not sure. I still don’t know who delivered them to me but whatever it is, and whoever it is, thank you for the sweet gesture and though I can’t personally say that to you, it made my day because I truly felt like somebody cares. :-)

So I guess it can’t be all that bad being me. I have so much to be thankful for in my life….I AM a lucky girl. Don’t be jealous k?

i'm very frustrated...and confused..

When you love someone…do you just give all you can because you want to see the other person happy and not expect reciprocation at the same level? Or do you only truly love someone when you are able to give and take at the same time?

When you love someone…do you just accept things as they are even if it makes you unhappy and not be able to express it? Or do you only truly love when you are open with what you like and do not like and it’s something that CAN be discussed?

When you love someone…do you just accept never being a priority? Or do you only truly love when you are one of the priorities and at times be “the” priority?

When you love someone…do you truly believe what you are told? Or do you only truly love when you can accept that sometimes things are said as fleeting empty promises and were said because it was the right thing to say?

When you love someone…do you accept your partner’s reservations about acknowledging you and wait for their acceptance? Or do you only truly love when you love someone who is proud of you?

When you love someone…do you accept that you may love that person more? Or do you only truly love when you love someone who loves you equally?

When you love someone…do you accept not being told everything? Or do you only truly love when the communication is clear and honest?

When you love someone…do you accept not being in the person’s thoughts all the time? Or do you only truly love when you know the person thinks about you often and misses you?

When you love someone…do you second guess the other person’s thoughts and meanings and try to always give the benefit of the doubt? Or do you only truly love when you are assured and confident of the other person’s thoughts and feelings?

When you love someone…do you spend your time wishing the other person would miss you enough to want to spend time with you? Or do you only truly love when the other person wants to spend as much time with you as you do?

When you love someone…do you accept that calls are sometimes not answered and sms’s are sometimes ignored because they are busy or because of the presence of others? Or do you only truly love when you know your partner is happy to hear from you and will always make time for you?

When you love someone…do you accept that writing this is healthy and a positive feeling towards the beginning of something? Or do you only truly love when you are not plague by these doubts?

What do you do when you want to talk to someone you care for about things that are bothering and depressing you but dare not because you’re not sure how they’d react?

What do you do when you care for someone and they are hurting you by either their words or actions but you have to put a happy face because you keep telling yourself that they are not doing this intentionally?

What do you do when you wake up every morning with a prayer that things will improve but go to bed every night telling yourself that it might happen tomorrow instead?

What do you do when you have seen and felt the most amazing feelings, connection and security and it’s taken away almost overnight?

Do you wait for it to slowly get back there again? Or do you just accept that the moment has passed?

And if you really have to wait, is it really love when you don’t feel as if it’s an effort from both sides? And if it’s not, can it ever work?

arrrrghhhhhhh

Today is one of those days where I feel so frustrated and confused that I’m literally rooted to where I’m sitting…unable to move and I feel as if I did, I didn’t know what to do and where to go.

If I was forced at gun point to come up with a resolution for this year it will be to nurture a non existent trait in me – INDIFFERENCE. While I sometimes can get away by looking like I am, but truth is I AM NOT. I envy the people who can change to this mode whenever they want and have a million justifications for them to stay that way.

I have no problems coming up with the reasons – my biggest problem is trying to conjure that feeling and mood!! And my even bigger problem is dealing with people who CAN switch to that mode TOWARDS me. Arghhhhh!! That makes me twitch and every fibre of my body just wants to screaaaammmm!!!

Arrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhh!!

first random blah of the year

Today is my first day back at work this year….and I feel totally brain dead.

Why does that happen? I’ve been waiting for time off work for ages and when I finally get it I feel like I’m literally growing stupid at home. I enjoyed the time I had in hand, but I was starting to get stressed because I wasn’t doing anything productive.

I knew I should have picked Phuket again – I had so much fun the last two times I was there. The sun, the smell of the sea, the sand, the shopping, the ice cold coconut by the beach, the Thai food…..ahhhhh……. blisssssss..

Just today four people asked me about my New Year resolutions, two asked me if I have met someone new over the holidays (and one nicely commented that I haven’t had a boyfriend since I got back from Africa…gee…thanks!!), one asked me if I was getting married soon (I smiled and said she’s invited to my wedding next year on the condition she brings me the groom!!)

What happened to the days when people asked you easy questions….like how’s the weather for example??

I have never had New Year resolutions – why must people only decide to do things when it’s a brand new year? If they have thought of something in August last year and it was something that was going to be life changing, do they keep it for January so they have a mission for the new year? If someone wanted to quit smoking why not quit the moment they think it’s what they want to do? What is the significance of waiting until January each year to quit? I recall my teachers ‘forcing’ us to come up with resolutions back in school. If I said “I want a dog” that was not really a resolution because mum & dad were bosses at home and if they say no, there is no bloody way I could change their mind. If I said I want to be a millionaire, it was not really a resolution either as being 8 there was really nothing much I could do to earn money unless I pimped myself. But of course being 8 and innocent (I still am) why would I even think of that.

(If anyone is still reading…. you’d know I’m bored at work and trying to pass time).

Now, the boyfriend and the marriage thing. I am sooooooooooooooo SICK AND TIRED of people asking me if I’m seeing anyone or if I’m getting married soon. So what if everyone around my age are doing that or giving birth or about to have their 19th child? I’m happy for them, congratulations. But that does not mean that I need to do the same! That’s something I’d like to do someday but it has to be with the right person and at the right time! When I do get a boyfriend I think I’d need to run a full page ad for a week so everyone knows and leaves me alone. But until that happens, LEAVE ME ALONE!!! I am single and don’t have a problem with that. (If you’re related to me and you’re still reading – yes you are one of them!!! So when you see me the next time, just zip it, thank you!!)

I can’t even decide on what mobile phone to get for myself. Deciding on a boyfriend is way too complicated for me.

Or is it...? :-)