say hi to oscar

harrow!!

it's the last day!!

I can never work on the last work day of the year.

I fidget, I walk about, I get excited, I count the hours, I count the minutes.....actually I'd just go anything to take my mind off counting down so time can pass faster and I can go home. But here I am at 7.47pm waiting for UncleJocules to finish interview so we can have our customary farewell drink of the year. UncleJillu is MIA this year as he has gone off much earlier to head to Ozzieland and NZ.

So stupid right? Counting down the time and then sitting here waiting for alcohol. Sheesh!!

Anyway...... my desk is now super clean cause I put all useless paper for recycling, threw away all the junk I've collected on my desk, clean it and now it's dust free and smells of baby powder as I have used up a whole packet of Johnson & Johnson's baby wipes to wipe my desk and everything that's sitting on it. Ahhhhhhhhhh :-)

9 more sleeps till I see Oscar ....... I can't wait!!

Merry Christmas everyone and have a fantastic holiday & New Year.

Hugs & kisses & all the chrismassy joy... Xx

cause and causal

.....The philosophical explanation of karma can differ slightly between traditions, but the general concept is basically the same. Through the law of karma, the effects of all deeds actively create past, present, and future experiences, thus making one responsible for one's own life, and the pain and joy it brings to him/her and others.....

Do I believe in karma?

Maybe it’s time I did.

(Definition of Karma extracted from Wikipedia)

what a week...

Today's only the MIDDLE of the week and I'm already wondering where I got the energy to last till today.

I met up with an old friend (who happens to be my ex ex ex boss, the guy who gave me my first job!) at American Chillis at Bangsar on Monday night - ended up drinking shitloads of Heineken after having no breakfast, soup only for lunch and no dinner. So clever, so hero I tell you!! Hugged the toilet bowl puking that night, and did the same the next morning. Practially forced myself to get out of bed, to shower and then to drive to work. I had to have breakfast and even walking to have breakfast the sun hurt my eyes and my head (which by the way sounded like it had a rave party in it the whole day). I think I had a little bit of hangover. -_-

Tuesday night I joined the rest of the gang at a badminton court next to Sime Darby Convention Centre (which I never knew existed) to play...............* drumroll * ........... b-a-d-m-i-n-t-o-n!!!! I have not held a raquet since I was like 8 or 9 years old (I am NOT being sarcastic). I surprised myself as I could still whack the shuttlecock after all these years. But needless to say I woke up the next morning feeling.....like I just got beaten up. I keep reminding myself of how much I had sweated and that makes me feel like the pain is all worth it. haha

Wednesday night (like just now) we spent our time at our usual watering hole, La Bodega. I finished my vodka bottle which I parked there (ok la, not much left la) but I only got home around 11. So imagine how long we were there......

I lead such a fulfilling and healthy lifestyle. I should write a book about living life.

Not!!!!

How lah?!!!

it's that time again...

I think my body is finally responding to everything that has happened the last 2 months. I feel like I have been functioning on adrenaline for some time and now my body is telling me to slow down....take a deep breathe....

I have this cold that I can't seem to shake off since I got back from Seoul. I have a fever that comes and goes, sometimes pretty mild, sometimes pretty high. I have been having difficulty sleeping, despite my body and mind being so exhausted. It's like I went on overdrive and I forgot how to get back to neutral.

I "think" I need a break.

music & lyrics

An excerpt of a conversation from "Music & Lyrics" starring Hugh Grant & Drew Barrymore...

Sophie Fisher: A melody is like seeing someone for the first time. The physical attraction. Sex.

Alex Fletcher: I so get that.

Sophie Fisher: But then, as you get to know the person, that's the lyrics. Their story. Who they are underneath. It's the combination of the two that makes it magic.

How many of us actually make it past the melody and reach the lyrics and ultimately try relating to the song?

Have a thought about it....I know I have been pondering about this the whole morning.

not again...

I'm itching to do something again. The first time I felt like that I pierced my belly. Second time I felt like that I re-pierced my belly. Third time I felt like that I got a tattoo. It's that I-think-I-need-some-pain kind of itch.

So how? Pierce my belly the third time?? Crazy.....and I dug up some old pics just to see it again and man, it does look painful.

see the first piercing I did?

I'll try to sleep on this and hopefully this crazy feeling does not linger till tomorrow...

when will I ever learn?

Whenever I look back at the events that have unfolded in my life for the last 3 years I sometimes wonder how I went through everything. I often wonder how I went through those days . . . and how I painstakingly survived a day at a time and came out in one piece.

They say experience makes a person stronger and wiser but I’m not quite sure why I have not at the very least nearly got there? Have I not been taught enough? Or have I not been given enough life changing lessons? But truth to be told – for a long time now I have this nagging fear that the problem lies in me not learning from my mistakes.

I experience but I don’t apply.

I know but I ignore.

I feel but I deny.

I learn but I forget.

Can someone please just smack me on the head?!

rant rant

OMG I really need a holiday. Like a REAL holiday. No emails, no phones, no nothing. I'm feeling so totally burnt out it's not funny.

I'm perpetually sleepy and tired and exhausted no matter how much I sleep. Hmmm or am I sleepy and tired and exhausted from suddenly sleeping too much?? Ah whatever - a short break is in order and I need to rejuvenate myself before .... before .... ermm ... before I go spiralling down in exhaustion I guess?

I'm going through a funny phase right now. Have you ever been in a situation where you know what you need to do but it kills you to do it? Well I'm doing that now, flushing all the toxic people and toxic everything out of my life so I can live happily ever after!!

Toxic people are the ones I classify as the people in your life who makes you feel bad about yourself, people who brings about so much negativity or negative feelings into your life, people who have the ability to mess up the unhappy feelings, I guess. I know to a certain extent there should be self control and one can argue that you only feel what you allow others to make you feel. I'm a strong believer in that too but if you can identify the ones who can conjure up these negative feelings, isn't it a proactive thing to do by cutting them out from your lives? Or at least, minimise the paths crossed?

It's funny how we can be so hugely affected by people who make us feel bad and yet there are those comes into our lives and tries so hard to make us smile and to make us happy....we either take them for granted or we do not notice them at all. I have started to notice these 2 groups of people in my life.....

And if I can choose how I want to live my life and how I want to feel about my life then....out with the negative, in with the positive...by choice.

*yawn*

I had two pretty intense conversations last night and I woke up today with such a heavy head and no matter how hard I have been trying all morning, I can’t seem to shake off the melancholia. Dammit – get outta my head!!

I am so so so sleepy today. Still feeling the copious amount of margaritas and Heinekens from last nite….

you lucky, lucky girl, you

I honestly never thought anyone would read this blog. I’m shit at updating and most of the things I write about are not amusing or thought provoking or funny or controversial ….. this is just a ranting ground for me really.

It got me thinking today when someone asked me if I was really as depressed as I sound. My last post was written in a very random emo moment and was a reflection of something that was on my mind at that time. But at that moment only.

So I thought maybe I should write about some more positive things in my life so *just in case* some people accidentally end up reading my blog they wouldn’t think I’m at the brink of killing myself.

So…the positive things in my life…

I have the most wonderful parents in the whole world. This is not meant to sound cheesy or anything but it is true. My mum’s my bestest friend in the whole world and I’m close enough to my dad to talk about things daughters would normally cringe to discuss with their dads. My parents brought me and my brother up in a very balanced way I’d like to think – we’re both very grounded culturally but we have also always been encouraged to speak up and to follow our hearts. I have made some really stupid decisions in the past 3 or 4 years (some of them decisions that most parents will never agree to) but being my parents, they stuck to me through all my decisions and silliness and never once said “I told you so”. They are the loves of my life for sure. Lucky me.

I might not have many friends I hang out with all the time but I am blessed with the friendship of my two closest and most trusted friends. I have known these 2 girls since 1998 and our friendship has remained strong until today and there are no 2 other people in the world other than my own family that I know will be with me through anything and at anytime. Some people are lucky enough to have met one friend like that in a lifetime but I have two and for that I’m sure I have done something right somehow for it is definitely my good karma that I’m blessed with not one but two of this very unique friendship in this lifetime. They are family to me now….in every way.

I also have a small group of friends from different phases of my life that have made a mark in my life and in each of their own special ways have a very special place in my heart. These are the people I can lose contact with for months or years – but when we meet we are able to pick up from where we left with no effort at all.

I have a job now which I love. Yes I do love what I do. I might complain and moan about the other things that come with the job but then again no job is perfect and I must say my job has given me quite a lot of personal satisfaction throughout the years. I still wished some of the things were different though but I guess we can’t always have it all right? But point is I have a job, it has given me an opportunity to grow and while the monetary side of it is honestly nothing to really shout about, it has made a difference in my lifestyle….especially when I compare it to the lifestyle I grew up with. Best thing is I am now able to slightly (just very slightly) be able to pamper my parents a little every now and then.

What else….I guess I’ve been pretty lucky too, to have a bit of an opportunity to travel at my age? I know many have traveled a lot more than I did, but hey, my family was never rich enough to enable us to travel overseas as I was growing up. There was a time (probably right before I started this job) that getting on an airplane itself was a treat / luxury….how times have changed. I’m now officially allergic to cabin food and the smell of airplanes….and dread waiting at airports….dread flight delays….dread the queue at immigration….dread lugging my laptop and bag….dread having to pull my heavy bag off the conveyor belt….dread room service. But all that aside, I’m still a lucky girl I guess to have had the experience of traveling for work. Have to think positive right – that’s the whole idea of this post right??!!! Hehe

Hmmm….I guess the one part of my life that has given me the most headache and grief is the relationships part. I have been through some really rough time over the last couple of years but I can honestly say I’ve met some very interesting people who have made some positive impact and changes to my life (if I stop thinking of the negative!!). I guess I haven’t been successful or lucky enough to meet the right person….perhaps in most circumstances the timing was not right….who knows. But looking at the brighter side of things again, I’m thankful for being able to love, thankful for not giving up on love and thankful that I have met these people who have made an impact in my life. True that it has made me somewhat cynical - perhaps even a little bit jaded at times… but I am definitely stronger emotionally today than I have ever been. I guess not all bad experiences are negative even if they hurt a lot. I guess SOME good will always turn out from something painful. It’s true that it’s easier to learn and grow over hurt and disappointment. And I still hold very dearly to the belief that things will eventually turn out ok. It always does.

I am nowhere near perfect I know but I am lucky I turned out to be who I am and to be where I am and to have all the wonderful people in my life. So really, it’s not all that bad being me!!

Oh while we are at talking about all the positive stuff in my life, I had expected nothing this Valentines….afterall the last 3 Valentines for me have all been uneventful. But this year, someone sent me some roses and chocolates!! The sender has obviously chosen to be anonymous, for what reasons I’m not sure. I still don’t know who delivered them to me but whatever it is, and whoever it is, thank you for the sweet gesture and though I can’t personally say that to you, it made my day because I truly felt like somebody cares. :-)

So I guess it can’t be all that bad being me. I have so much to be thankful for in my life….I AM a lucky girl. Don’t be jealous k?

arrrrghhhhhhh

Today is one of those days where I feel so frustrated and confused that I’m literally rooted to where I’m sitting…unable to move and I feel as if I did, I didn’t know what to do and where to go.

If I was forced at gun point to come up with a resolution for this year it will be to nurture a non existent trait in me – INDIFFERENCE. While I sometimes can get away by looking like I am, but truth is I AM NOT. I envy the people who can change to this mode whenever they want and have a million justifications for them to stay that way.

I have no problems coming up with the reasons – my biggest problem is trying to conjure that feeling and mood!! And my even bigger problem is dealing with people who CAN switch to that mode TOWARDS me. Arghhhhh!! That makes me twitch and every fibre of my body just wants to screaaaammmm!!!

Arrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhh!!

first random blah of the year

Today is my first day back at work this year….and I feel totally brain dead.

Why does that happen? I’ve been waiting for time off work for ages and when I finally get it I feel like I’m literally growing stupid at home. I enjoyed the time I had in hand, but I was starting to get stressed because I wasn’t doing anything productive.

I knew I should have picked Phuket again – I had so much fun the last two times I was there. The sun, the smell of the sea, the sand, the shopping, the ice cold coconut by the beach, the Thai food…..ahhhhh……. blisssssss..

Just today four people asked me about my New Year resolutions, two asked me if I have met someone new over the holidays (and one nicely commented that I haven’t had a boyfriend since I got back from Africa…gee…thanks!!), one asked me if I was getting married soon (I smiled and said she’s invited to my wedding next year on the condition she brings me the groom!!)

What happened to the days when people asked you easy questions….like how’s the weather for example??

I have never had New Year resolutions – why must people only decide to do things when it’s a brand new year? If they have thought of something in August last year and it was something that was going to be life changing, do they keep it for January so they have a mission for the new year? If someone wanted to quit smoking why not quit the moment they think it’s what they want to do? What is the significance of waiting until January each year to quit? I recall my teachers ‘forcing’ us to come up with resolutions back in school. If I said “I want a dog” that was not really a resolution because mum & dad were bosses at home and if they say no, there is no bloody way I could change their mind. If I said I want to be a millionaire, it was not really a resolution either as being 8 there was really nothing much I could do to earn money unless I pimped myself. But of course being 8 and innocent (I still am) why would I even think of that.

(If anyone is still reading…. you’d know I’m bored at work and trying to pass time).

Now, the boyfriend and the marriage thing. I am sooooooooooooooo SICK AND TIRED of people asking me if I’m seeing anyone or if I’m getting married soon. So what if everyone around my age are doing that or giving birth or about to have their 19th child? I’m happy for them, congratulations. But that does not mean that I need to do the same! That’s something I’d like to do someday but it has to be with the right person and at the right time! When I do get a boyfriend I think I’d need to run a full page ad for a week so everyone knows and leaves me alone. But until that happens, LEAVE ME ALONE!!! I am single and don’t have a problem with that. (If you’re related to me and you’re still reading – yes you are one of them!!! So when you see me the next time, just zip it, thank you!!)

I can’t even decide on what mobile phone to get for myself. Deciding on a boyfriend is way too complicated for me.

Or is it...? :-)